18 Months (November 17, 2023)

“It turns out life isn’t a puzzle that can be solved one time and it’s done.
You wake up every day, and you solve it again.”
– Chidi Anagonye, The Good Place

It's been 18 months. I miss him so much.

After the one year anniversary, the monthly anniversaries started feeling less acute, to the point that I didn't remember what day it was last month until it was almost over. I think that's a good thing, because I don't want to dread the 17th of every month like I did last year. But today hit harder. I'm still living with the trauma of Scott's illness and death, and I will carry that for the rest of my life. Something inside me became irrevocably broken when I lost him, and yet I've somehow learned to keep moving in life, mostly because I have to and also that's what I promised him.

My house journey seems to have aligned roughly into 6 month phases. One year ago (6 months after I lost Scott), I was buying this house and wondering if I was ready to embark on the crazy journey that lay ahead. Six months ago, I sold our old townhouse and said goodbye to the house that we had lived in for nearly our entire marriage. It was bittersweet but the timing felt right to make a fresh start and I felt a sense of closure as I drove away from the house for the last time.

Now my house-related projects are mostly winding down and I'm heading into a new phase. They're not over, because house-related projects never really end, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel some relief that my time won't be as thoroughly dominated by the house, but there's also the feeling of having to figure out what's next. Working on the house provided some emotional relief because it kept me so busy. While it didn't provide an escape from grief (which wouldn't have worked anyway), it helped me focus more on forward-looking goals. My thought process this past year has mostly been, "I have no idea what the future will bring, but I don't have to worry about that right now because I need to paint this room/get this toilet fixed/replace the carpets/etc." 

Now I am facing a blank canvas of the future again and thinking about how to spend my time in a meaningful way. I've started volunteering for the Pheo Para Alliance which has been a great experience so far - more on that in a future post. I'm planning to have more friends over at the house in the new year. Like last year, I'll be spending a lot of time traveling to be with family.

I've now seen all the seasons change at the new house. I saw the star magnolias emerge in the early spring and the towering tulip poplars leafing out and dropping green and orange petals into the backyard. I planted three rose bushes in the front yard and spent a lot of time this summer stopping to smell their blooms. This fall I enjoyed watching the leaves change color in my neighborhood and seeing the Japanese maple at my house deepen into a glorious blaze of red. As the weather turns colder, I've started searching for Orion in the night sky because it helps me feel connected with Scott.

Scott gave me many wonderful gifts, but among the most important of these was that I always felt like he saw me and loved what he saw. From the start, I could always be myself around him. Even on our first date, when I showed up wearing an oversized red flannel shirt, blissfully unaware of how to date or even that this was a date, he saw something beautiful in me. Knowing that he loved and believed in me so completely grounded me emotionally and helped me build my confidence over the years. He helped me take myself less seriously which made life easier, both for myself and the people around me. All obstacles seem a bit more manageable, especially if we faced them together. Now I am facing life and all its challenges without him. I was afraid that I would lose that sense of faith in myself once he was gone, but I've found that it's endured. 18 months later, I think it is here to stay; his love was and is that strong.