Darkness and light (March 28, 2023)

The spring equinox brings days of increasing light, but it marks the beginning of what feels like my "dark days." All the bad things happened in the spring. Two springs ago, Scott was diagnosed with terminal cancer in March, we were reeling from the devastation of what this meant for our future, and he endured his first orthopedic surgery and radiation treatments. Last spring, Scott entered the hospital for the last time in April and passed away in May. Each spring, as I saw the forsythia and daffodils and cherry blossoms blooming brilliantly as we traveled back and forth to medical appointments, I felt the incongruity of life renewing all around me as Scott's health declined.

I hope one day I can enjoy spring and the blooming flowers again without the sadness, but I am not there yet. This spring I am doing what I can to bring light into these dark days. I'm continuing to make my new house feel like home. In February, I added and replaced some light fixtures and had some rooms in the house painted. The 9 month mark came a few days before the painting was scheduled to begin. I usually struggle with finding the right way to mark the month anniversaries, but that evening I suddenly knew what I needed to do. I wrote a message to Scott on one of the walls to be painted over, so that it would become part of the house. I don't know why that made me feel better, but I've learned to go with whatever feels right in grief. My realtor also sent a beautiful cedar and poplar bird feeder as a housewarming gift, and I'm planning to install it in the backyard at some point. I think Scott would have loved the design of the bird feeder, and we always enjoyed looking at birds on our daily walks. 

Last week, my sisters came to visit and see the new house, and we had a lovely sisters' weekend. They helped me move boxes from my townhouse, we got desserts from Laduree and dinner from Mon Ami Gabi in Bethesda, and we visited the National Gallery of Art and saw the cherry blossoms in full bloom around the Tidal Basin. On Saturday, we visited Scott's grave. It was emotional, and we cried, but we also felt close to him. My sister brought a guitar and we sang some songs, and we laid David Austin "Bessie" roses which were prickly and hard to get, but I like to think they were worth the trouble (https://www.alexandrafarms.com/bessie). The daffodils that I planted in the fall were also in bloom. When I was planting them, I told Scott that I expected only the manliest daffodils, which is a joke we would have shared when he was alive, and I think he delivered. 

 

 

 

Afterward, my sisters and I went to afternoon tea at The Tea Cart in nearby Berryville. We sat at a table by a sunny window in the tearoom and ate snacks and drank tea, and we remembered the times that we had afternoon tea with Scott and how much he enjoyed them.

 

June 2010: Afternoon tea

 

Drinking his tea and flexing his guns

April and May will have difficult milestones, but I am thankful to have many house projects and gatherings with family and friends to look forward to in the coming months.