February 6, 2023

Last month, I went to Key West to celebrate my sister's birthday. We previously visited Key West with Scott and my whole family for my 40th birthday [REDACTED] years ago, and it was one of my happiest weekends ever. If I could relive one day of my life again, it would be that day. I was looking forward to going back to Key West this year (especially in the dead of winter), but I was also wary of the memories it would bring back.

I was back in this sunny paradise and everywhere I looked, there were memories of Scott. I saw him sitting at a table at Latitudes restaurant on Sunset Key, cheerfully sweltering in the sun. We got lobster rolls, stone crab claws, and Key lime pie from Eaton Street Market, which he loved. Each day I walked by the table next to the hotel's swimming pool, where I sat on his lap one morning after breakfast. My sisters and I ate breakfast sitting on the dock near the Southernmost Beach Cafe, where Scott was when he told one of them that he had had a really great trip with us in Key West.

These memories still bring sadness. I've been told that eventually, the memories will make me smile, and I hope that will happen one day. But even though I was missing Scott, I was glad to be there with my sisters and brother-in-law and niece. We made new happy memories, ate great seafood each day, and had many rum cocktails, including a particularly strong Dark 'n' Stormy that almost did me in on the first night. At the end of the trip when I asked my niece if she would miss playing on the beach, she replied, "We are always in Key West."

Last year, Scott asked me what I wanted for my birthday. There was no "thing" I could think of that felt particularly meaningful. What I really wanted was to spend the rest of my life with Scott and grow old with him, and I wished for as much time as possible with him. I was afraid of imagining what life would be like without him, of being in a quiet house without his presence. So I asked Scott to read some of his favorite poems and record them for me*. I used to lie next to him in bed while he read me poems, and I loved hearing the sound of his voice. A few months later, when he was in his final days in the hospital and at hospice, we took turns reading him the poems that he had marked in a book as his favorites. Toward the end he was slipping in and out of consciousness, but he always seemed to enjoy listening to the poems. His favorite poem was "Dostoevsky" by Charles Bukowski (https://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php%3Fdate...).

I put Scott's recorded poems on a YouTube list: https://youtube.com/playlist.... Sometimes I'll pull up a playlist of his audio recordings and fall asleep to the sound of his voice. It helps me remember the sound of his laugh and his energy and sense of humor, which I miss so much.

*Bonus tip: When you call a loved one and they don't pick up, leave a voicemail sometimes and tell them you love them or maybe share a funny story. It's something I don't typically do myself, but I'll try to do more often. I've saved and backed up some of Scott's voicemails and audio recordings over the years and I'm so thankful to have them.